Two Simple Tips To Save Your Marriage

When couples come for marital counseling or couples therapy, they are usually in a significant amount of emotional pain and turmoil.

They are  frequently angry, resentful and quite hostile toward one another.

In addition, they are very invested in blaming each other and accusing each other of being the “cause of the problem.”

To make matters worse, communication between the members of the couple has often deteriorated to the point where the husband and wife cannot understand each other’s viewpoint on various issues.

While it is useful for the members of the marital dyad to “vent” and get some of their feelings of frustration and anger out into to an open forum with a therapist present, the couple needs to move beyond this kind of arguing if their therapy is to be effective and if they are to heal their wounded relationship.

Since most couples come to psychotherapy with the hope of mending their marriage, it is quite useful for the spouses to begin to categorize their behavior in one of two ways.

In other words, I encourage couples to decide whether the behaviors or attitudes in question are relationship destroying or relationship building.

If they are relationship destroying actions, you want to eliminate them or engage in them less frequently.

For instance, drug or alcohol use tend to be relationship destroyers for many marriages.

The same can be said or extramarital affairs.

Conversely, being supportive and helping out with parenting and house chores tend to have a positive impact on relationships and fall into the category of relationship builders.

The same can be said about date nights and romantic evenings.

Once husband and wives can look at their actions and their impact on their love relationships in this manner, they can begin to see what they need to modify to improve their marriages.

If your marriage is in trouble, take a look at your actions and see what you need to add what you need to minimize or delete to fix your relationship.

About the author

Jay P. Granat, Ph.D., is a Psychotherapist and Licensed Marriage And Family

Therapist in River Edge, NJ.   Dr. Granat has appeared in many major media outlets including Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times.

 He is also the Founder of can learn more about him at

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